Note to business contacts

Dear Overly-Helpful Recipients of my Name Card,

Please stop forwarding my work email to various organisations for the sole purpose of letting them spam me with their promotions and workshops. While I won’t object quite as violently with organisations based in Kuching, information about events, food promotions and workshops taking place in Kuala Lumpur are of little use to me. My organisation isn’t going to send me there to enjoy their hospitality.

No love,
Me.

Dear Organisations/Companies/Restaurants/etc. outside Sarawak,

I will request politely that you unsubscribe me from your mailing list if I do not want to receive future notifications. I understand that it is probably not your fault my address fell into your hands without you realising that I’ve not ventured across the South China Sea in the last four odd years. If I should visit lovely KL in the near future, it’s quite unlikely that I was attracted by your new menu or your very expensive workshop on how to plait bread.

If I should continue receiving notifications from you, I will take this as a lack of attentiveness to your service. This will no doubt reflect upon the service I expect to receive if I happen to deal your establishment in the future.

With utmost respect,
Me.

Dear readers of PostMag,

Please stop sending me Friendster/Multiply/networking site invites. My email in the paper is for you to send feedback on issues relevant to what gets published under my name.

Comment on movies I reviewed? – Fine.

Got a book you think I really should read? – Oh, good… you actually read. Always delighted to hear from fellow bibliophiles.

Oh you lie! That restaurant sucked and I must dress you down for misleading us! – They knew I was there and why I was there. Put it together.

Forwarding me junk mail? – Puhleese. I’ve been online long enough to have seen them all and mock you for falling for it. If you catch me on a bad day, I’ll mock you in front of all your contacts.

Sincerely,
Me.

Note to the General Public

Dear Y'all,

I don't speak for all reporters but every now and then, I like to attend events out of personal interest. I don't appreciate being cornered and asked to "write something" about it on the basis that that (a) I was there, and (b) I'm a writer. It's a very quick way of ensuring that I'll never come back. Having to stay away from something I'd otherwise enjoy because of who I am and what I do pisses me off.

I also don't like how my kneejerk reaction to those grey-area invite-to-events these days is to suspect that at some point you will ask me to "write something".

Also, "is this going to be in the papers tomorow haha" got old a long time ago.

/Me 

Note to Drivers

Dear Kuching Drivers,

The first day of Chinese New Year does not make you and me immortal so stop driving like a suicidal fuckwit.

Kthxbye.

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